REVIEW - Super Smash Bros. Brawl 9/10

So, Christoph Hitler has been riding my ass to get something written for the past month or so, I'll be taking the easy way out today. Reviewing SSBB is like trying to sell a ticket to a new Star Wars film, it doesn't really matter what you say the results will always be the same, Johnny pimpleface is daydreaming about getting a blowjob from Princess Leia (or in this case Princess Peach) and you're wasting your breath anyway because the ticket has already been purchased and you're talking to this asshole while he's waiting in line for the movie's opening... Three weeks from now!?

Yes, SSBB is a fan service designed to shut the mouths of fucknuts, like myself, so we don't bitch that every other game they release is a jerkoff simulator that is neither fun, nor is it a video game. As angry as I am, there isn't much to complain about in SSBB. The graphics are actually quite good for such an under powered crap box, many characters to choose from, good tunes, and a very fun single player mode called The Subshop Ejaculation...oops, I mean Subspace Ejaculation.
Now that I've told you the good, let us rip into the ass of the everlasting nobgobler Nintendo for what they've screwed up this time, shall we?

Out of the 75 control schemes only 1 is good, you guessed it Gamecube controls. From a 20+ year history of iconic characters we get Mr. Game and Watch...really? So you're telling me he's a better choice than say Little Mac or The Eggplant Wizard? Shit, I'd settle for being able to choose the Excitebike rider, and when the fight starts he just stands there and says "where the fuck's my bike"? Of course that's an unrealistic request because Nintendo doesn't allow voice acting in their games, so I'd have to settle for speech bubbles and a 34 digit friend code to tell my friend to bring over his SD card so I can save my games (by the time I'm done with this you'll have forgotten what I'm bitching about and I'll have seemlessly transitioned into another rant) from the wii channel menu just to look at them and say "hey, if I want to play these games all I have to do is reload them back onto the wii channel menu. Where was I? Oh yeah, better characters.

Andy from Advance Wars- throws wrenches, heals self.

Fat Shop Merchant from the original zelda instruction manual, he's fat and is awesome! He can use all the items he sells-candle, arrows, etc. Now that's radical!!!

Fat Black Guy Trainer from Mike Tyson's Punchout - is basically a skin for Fat Shop Merchant, he's still fat, replace shop items with a gun, his finishing move is raping your white sister (that's both racist and stupid - not all black people commit felonies, and this is not Mortal Kombat)

That's it, just more levels and more characters, that's all it needs. Now go ahead and get back to playing it because I know you've already bought it didn't ya?

P.S. There is one other thing that Pisses me off. Lucas and Ness- playing as these 2 makes me want Mother 3 so bad I can fucking taste it! Hey Nintendo, enough with the yoga mat fuck me bullshit! Bring out Mother 1-3 on DS or virtual console!!!!