The greatest games that were never made.

As usual, the news in the video game world is extremely slow, so I thought I'd talk about the greatest properties that were never made into games.

First is Ghost busters, and no, the games that were made already... are not really games at all. I'm kidding of course, the Genesis GB is actually pretty good - the NES GB games smells like dick dipped in dog shit. There is a GB NES game that is also kinda good, it's a birds eye view perspective- a little bit Zelda NES/Rambo Genesis.

About 4 or 5 months ago, there was a teaser trailer for a GB game that looked like Gears of War, I'm guessing that it was for the 360. I must say that I'm very disappointed in the media for not getting their hands dirty on this one, this was the biggest news to happen in years. It's the dream of any 30-something to have a video game based on the show/movie we grew up with (I'm still waiting on Silver Spoons: Little Ricky Schroeder's Revenge). I'd like to take it to the next level now, along with this realistic GB, I want a game based on The Real Ghost Busters. Can you even begin to imagine what it would be like to battle with Sandman, The Boogie Man, the ghost versions of the GB crew? It would no doubt be THE SHIT!

I want capcom to bring back Duck Tales (2D please). Gummi Bears, think about this one, a 3D Wind Waker style visuals, Action/Adventure/Rpg. When you get into a battle you can fight like Mario (stomping on an ogre) , for magic you could drink Gummi Berry Juice and bounce all around the screen causing "massive damage"to all foes in the battle.

You know what? I'm gonna stop here, I think I can drag this out to be a weekly thing where I pick one old or new TV show, and explain how to make it into a great game. Sounds good, no?

Ninja Gaiden Sigma demo

If you are one of the many angry/bored PS3 owners waiting for the next big thing, the wait is over. Sometime tonight the demo for NGS will be available for download, most likely for free. If you've never had the pleasure of playing the other iterations on the Xbox, you really need to at least try out this demo. Having played Ninja Gaiden Black, I can tell you, that this is hands down the best Action/Adventure game on the system. I only got through the first 4 levels (It's hard as all hell), but from that short amount of play, I'd say that it's right up there with God of War (which I've only plowed through the first 3 levels).

Get yourself a Cup O' Joe, some Stacker pills, or even an 8-ball of coke (if that's your thing) and refresh away until it shows up sometime later tonight.

Making amends

So, you may have noticed I'm the angriest person on the planet, it would seem that I spend more time bitching about games more than I do praising them. I'm going to make an effort to stop complaining, and I'm starting now. Join me in a walk down memory lane, as I share the story of the Christmas I received my Nintendo Entertainment System.

I don't recall the first time I actually put my hands on the controller of the NES (which is quite odd) , but the greatest memory I have as a child was the first NES I actually owned. For some strange reason, the X-mas of 87, my family opened our gifts late on Christmas eve. As usual, we'd start with the stockings which probably contained the usual small gifts - Smurf trading cards (remember those huge packages?) , Garbage Pail Kids, I really don't remember what else could have been in there. Then we'd move on to the big gifts, I remember getting a cool sled, and some crappy clothes. After ravaging through all the big box gifts, I remember being very depressed because none of them contained the NES I'd been begging for that whole year. My mother asked me if there was anything that Santa had "forgotten", I grumpily replied "He forgot my Nintendo". She said "Don't worry, there's always next year". Of course when you're 10 years old, a year seems like an eternity, and you're already plotting ways to sell your body for pennies to save up to buy one yourself...What, you didn't do that at 10? So moms says, "Why don't you go into the kitchen and turn on the radio so we can hear some Christmas music". The last thing I wanted was to hear was "Here comes Santa Clause" for the billionth time that evening, but I reluctantly complied. I strolled into the kitchen, opened up the cabinet where our stereo and TV were housed...HOLY SHIT. There it was, already hooked up and eagerly awaiting my grubby Doritos infested hands. I played Super Mario Bros. until 2:30 in the morning, I remember my mother coming into the kitchen for a drink saying "What the hell are you still doing up"? She of course made me turn the system off and go straight to bed, but it was worth a mild scolding to travel through the mushroom kingdom.

I really have to hand it to my parents, it was so exciting to be surprised like that. Even now 20 years later, it makes me happy/sad to think back on those times of being a kid, where video games, playing army in the woods, and selling your body for Kid Icarus carts is your whole world. I've not since had a better experience, and I never will.

Fuckin Microsoft

Yeah, so the Xbox 360 elite comes out in a week or so, and as I've been saying, this is going to be the time when I finally join in on all the fun. Well, yet again I'm getting second thoughts, rumor has it that this is just to tide us over until the next Xbox 360 version 3.1 will be coming out. This will include the newer chips that will make the system run quietly and maybe, uh...not break?

This is just insane to me, why as a company that's trying to make a name for themselves in the video game market, would you constantly shoot yourself in the foot? Releasing 75 different versions of a $400 + console will not sit well with the gaming community- this is not the game boy. It's hard to justify spending this that much dough once, let alone 3 fucking times!

Here's the problem, I can't wait any longer. I bought Gears of War a week ago and I'm not gonna deprive myself of the fun I should have been having for so long. So I'll bite this time Microsoft, and I'll just sell the Elite when the next one comes out, but PLEASE stop with the bullshit. If the next version comes out 3 months after the Elite, I'm going to lose my shit!

Videogames cause you to kill?

With this recent shooting at Virginia Tech., I hear that Jack Thompson and Dr. Phil are pointing towards video games for the reason of the killings. This will most likely be the first and last time I ever comment on this bullshit of video game violence leading to real life violence - it's been beaten to death and needs to stop. People are crazy, it's just that simple. In a country where there is so much pressure to succeed in a career, we're constantly rushing around overwhelmed with the aspects of everyday life. I hear that this guy killed all these people because a girl broke up with him... Dude, there is so much gash out there, you would have found another one. When you're young, you think that the person you are currently dating is the only one for you, growing up is hard, and it's not until you get older that you realize there is no such thing as love or a life long mate.

Stop blaming parental influence, parents rarely play a part in a child's day-to-day problems. At eighteen years old we are adults, and at around that age we are responsible for our own actions. Stop blaming the media, any media. It's entertainment, if a video game, movie, or celebrity influences you to go out and do something stupid, then something is lacking in your life, and maybe you need to seek some professional help.

My goal is just to get through this life without bothering anybody, if something is bothering me, I keep it to myself or talk to a friend to get it off my chest. It's really that simple, I just don't understand why people feel the need to take out innocent people because of something going on in their world. Sometimes I just wish that god would just beam me up already, humans are starting to freak me out.

Everyone's a critic, and most people are douchebags

Wow, absolutely nothing going on worth writing about. I guess I'll continue my rant on what Nintendo is screwing up. Zelda DS, Wario DS- What do these 2 games have in common? They're both victim to this horrible new disease called Stylusitis. This is where Nintendo injects awful control into our most beloved games, then stands back and watches them die a slow awful death. I'm sure I've already bitched about this, but I'm really sick of Nintendo trying to fix what's not broken.

Yes, I'm overly critical about everything, but when I think back to Super Mario 64 I just can't imagine why you would screw with something that was so perfect. You don't have to constantly rebuild a game, sometimes it might just be "good enough". Well Nintendo saw things a little different and we ended up with Super Mario Sunshine, not a bad game, but still nowhere near the quality of SM64. Remember Wario Land 4 on the GBA? How about Zelda: The Minish Cap? Me too, they were both perfect 2D games that could have had a minor graphical upgrade, and nobody would have complained. Now we are getting the shaft again, this time in portable form. The stylus will be controlling just about EVERYTHING, from the movement of the character in Zelda, to the actions the character performs in both titles. Lets say you have to take a shit, when you go into the bathroom there is a little man in green tights (strangely enough he looks like Tingle) , he tells you he's been working on a new way to evacuate the excrement... and it's from your mouth now! It's actually even worse than you would imagine, but he doesn't care and insists that it will be a better way for you to "take care of business".

Some games will benefit from this type of control, some won't- but I feel that as a hardcore supporter of these franchises that I should be given a choice. Would you want this sort of thing to happen to a 2D metroid? Of course not, but who's to say it won't happen? I guess we have to vote with our $$$, as hard as it will be, I'm going to pass on both of these titles - and I've never left a Zelda title on the store shelf for more than 1 minute without rushing to the check out counter with it.

I think I hate Nintendo...

I'm sure it's just the anger of the inferior Wii graphics, but after purchasing Super Paper Mario today, I'm just so uninterested in Nintendo products. I put in the disc and played for about 20 minutes, then I just turned it off. To understand what a huge deal this is I suppose you have to know my entire gaming history, I'll spare you every small detail, for now. Just know this, from the mid 80's up until now I've pretty much been as loyal to Nintendo as Robin Quivers is to Howard Stern - and almost as long. Please don't give me the "Good graphics do not equal good game play" line we've been spoon-fed ever since the Wii was announced to have Game cube 1.5 capabilities, I'm tired of the lies, I'm tired of the future promise of what the Wii can probably do.

This is it Nintendo, THIS is your wake up call. If the Wii is wearing thin on me this shortly after launch, you have a HUGE problem. I'm not saying that your empire is going to crumble because one angry fanboy is not blown away by shit graphics, but I am saying that if the competition can start to lure away one member of the Nintendo army (again, you have no idea how deep my love goes) then you're certain to see a few more behind me. Stop fucking around, bring out some killer software. Stop pushing games back from February to November, You're becoming the birthday visit to Grandma's house, sure you love her, but is it really worth the $5.00 check for 3 hours of pinched cheeks?

This all could have been avoided if you actually gave your hardcore audience a little respect, would it have really hurt to have graphics on par with first generation Xbox 360 games? What's that you say, "but it's cheap"?! Let me enlighten you just a bit, $250 for something that looks like something I can pay $100 for really scares me - quite frankly I'm not too sure how you got away with it at all. What, "It plays better now"?! My only reply (and this isn't going to be the last time I say it) "Please readjust your Wii remote"- not to mention I really enjoyed swinging my arm around like an asshole in Zelda, no really I wouldn't have rather pushed the convenient "A" button right next to my thumb. What are you going to do when Sony and Microsoft bring their systems down to the $300 mark? Let me take a guess, lower it down to $100? Didn't work for the Game cube, and that was almost on par with the graphics of the original Xbox.

We have about 5 years left on this system, and I'm willing to give you up until that time to really "WOW" me. But, when the next batch of systems come out, and you're late to the party again, don't skimp on the bells and whistles that gamers want. You can only string us along for so long, and like the battered wife who can't endure another punch to the face, you may come home one day to an empty house.

PS3, day 3

OK, starting to really get into this thing now. First lets talk about the downloadable content, I didn't buy any games for the system on day one, so I downloaded just about everything under the sun- including the stupid movie trailers. At first the downloads were taking way too friggin long, roughly 8 minutes per percent, that's completely retarded in this modern age of flying cars and movie theaters with a holographic Jaws popping out to eat you on the street corner. But it seems to be downloading pretty fast now, either that or I'm completely deluding myself. It seems as if Motor storm will have to be purchased at some time, It's kinda like Excite truck, but of course less fun, and much prettier. Watched a couple BLU-RAY movies (Rambo and Dark Water), I can see the difference in DVD/BLU-RAY but I'm not so sure it's a $600.00 + difference.

Yesterday I broke down and had to buy a game, Oblivion, I'm so lost in it-both in that it's really immersive and I'm so overwhelmed in not knowing what to do next. Oblivion looks really good, but it's a little choppy and I'm pretty sure in the age of Fax machines and the Roomba, we should be at 60 frames per second at all times. The only real gripe I have is the fact that I happen to have the only brand of TV where the screen flashes every time I switch from format to format, it's really annoying to have to turn the TV off and on again when I want to go from playing a game, to watching a DVD.

In closing I'll let you know of something stupid I did, I bought Gears of War for the 360. That might not sound so dumb to John T. Customer, but I don't even own the 360 yet, and I won't until the end of the month when the Elite comes out. I'm getting way too excited about this thing, and wanted to make sure I had it when I pick up the system. You may be asking yourself, "Where the crap does he get all the dough to buy all this high end technology"? Well friends, I had to do some less than desirable things that I'm not too proud of....excuse me while I go rinse my mouth out with gasoline.

PS3....NOW IN HAND

I hope Sony asks me to burn my pants, these things are driving me nuts.

Yeah that's right, broke down and bought the PS3 today, a little over $800 (and that's not even including a game). Here's the run down....

1. System $600

2. HDMI cable $70

3. 2 year replacement warranty $100

all that plus tax.

Let me explain, the HDMI cable will be returned to the store as soon as I get the one I ordered online, and if you've ever owned either PlayStation console.... then you know exactly why the warranty is a must. I just can't wait until the price drops in about 2 months so I can slit my wrists and wallow in my own crapulance.

Sometimes you just gotta be stupid and treat yourself to useless crap, there's nothing I want to play on it yet, but hey, it's a blu-ray player and I can still play my Ps1 and ps2 games on it right? I'm really excited about the PlayStation Store though, got some free demos that take forever to download, looks like I'll be PS2 gaming on it for the next few months...sigh.

But the biggest kick in the face is the fact that I own a Westinghouse HDTV-this is apparently the one TV that has a problem where the screen flickers every time you switch between any options. I have to turn the TV off, then on again to set it straight- not unbearable, but still kinda retarded.

Check back next month when I blow another $600 on the 360 elite, but at least I know I'll be getting a few kick ass games with it.

Check this out!!!!!

Go to Gamesradar.com and read the story on the game store clerk. It's pretty friggin accurate, and reminds us all who've worked for a certain corporation, let's call them shit stop, that there is no shame in crying into your pillow on those cold, lonely nights.

I'd love to tell the whole story of my 5 year imprisonment, but I'll just give you a few highlights.

1. Tony Hawks Pro Skater became Toma Hawk Pro skater

2. A cardboard standee zombie for Resident Evil had a speech bubble that read "Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow"

3. A cardboard standee of a football player for Madden was waiting behind the bathroom door, when you went to take a shit, you'd shit your pants before you'd reach the bowl.

4. "Do you have Rainbow 7 or 8"? "You know, the sequels to Rainbow 6"

5. "I want GTA, I just wants to kills peoples"

6. Customer-"Y'all gots games fo 2"? Me-"2 player"? Customer-"naw, P2" Me- "What the hell's a p2"? Customer-"PlayStation 2 Yo"!!

7. Young boy runs into the store and notices a Pokemon poster on the wall and screams "SCIZOR"!!!!!!!

Just a quick message for all employee's of any shit game store, I've been out of the retail biz for about 3 years now, and the only advice I have to give is to get out NOW! Get fired so you can collect unemployment, it's a very scary thing to leave a job, but this way you'll have some kind of money coming in. Take your time finding the next shit job you'll get- you'd be surprised at how miserable you really were. Retail sucks the soul clean out of you, if it's the only thing you can do, go back to school, get a job landscaping, whatever you can do to avoid this pit of despair.

Resident Evil 4: Wii Edition

It's official, I'm now disgusted with the Wii, that is unless this thing turns out to actually have GOOD Wii controls. I can picture it now, I'm in the village with 15 or so zombies, 2 feet from my face......Please readjust your Wii remote. Fuck that, if I'm to put up with ports of games from yesteryear, I best be getting.....

1. slight upgrade in graphics

2. 2 or more new levels

3. a super easy mode (I am terrible at video games)

4. the best controls possible- do not throw it together in a day or 2

Now I know this news is still fresh, and we don't know what we're getting yet, but I can't help but feel that we're getting the shaft already. They've not yet shown me that the Wii is a capable system. I praise Excite Truck, but for a system that launched 4 months ago, the only glimmer of hope (Metroid) is at least another 4 months away.

Can't blog, shit pants

For the zero amount of people reading my blog, sorry but I had the shits, and was very ill. Girlfriend is also in the hospital, so I'll update by tomorrow.